lesson from the past, episode 1.0

I used to spend a lot of time telling people to leave me alone when I was feeling any kind of wild emotions that made me feel.. pretty well anything. I used to be kinda hot-headed and SO fast to respond with sass that was either perceived as a. rude or b. grumpy or c. both. The crazy thing is I never let anyone see it. I never wanted anyone to know that anything was really bothering me. Odd, I know. I never showed that shitty side of myself, except to the people closest to me - usually my boyfriend at the time or my family - and they'd just slough it off as "oh that's just the way she is, leave her be, she'll be fine, let her cool off"             

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..... so that doesn't work. lesson from the past, episode 1.0.

here's the kicker, I actually didn't want to be left alone. I wanted someone to ask me questions about why I was feeling the way I was. I wanted someone who cared a shit-load about me to ask me what's up and just sit there and listen and let me bawl/laugh at the words coming out of my own mouth about how ridiculous the current situation was. I've always been a talker-outter. I love to talk shit out. I love to talk it over and probably repeat things and chew on all the edges and digest all the corners and then come full circle to the end and be like 'ok I'm actually good now..' but then I've left some really wonderful people in my tracks, all because I didn't know how to process my emotions which were super valid for me at that time. no longer the way I want to keep going.

segway to now...

currently super in love and loving it.
also currently being blinded by my default tendencies. I never really understood how relationships actually show you all your own shit and shed light on the places where you don't want to look but you most definitely should look. ahh, time. ahh, awareness. ahh, life. whatever you want to chalk it up to, the lesson is real and it's present.

I hate arguing and I would rather play in vancouver traffic than argue, not actually but you get the visual. I used to throw fire in arguments and get the last word and spazz and probably look like a crazy person in the moment and always always always would feel like 10/10 total shit after because that's not the way I wanted to deal with the crap but seemed like the only way. Then it turned into avoiding confrontation at the cost of my own voice and I kept it all inside and I stewed. Oh mann, I stewed hard and I'd be so tough with myself like the little voice would go like this "roz just leave it alone and shut up, it's not a big deal" but there I was raging around still stewing on the deal. Some of my girlfriends reading this will be laughing + think this is entertaining, my ex-boyfriends will probably be like 'UH YA took ya long enough' and some of you who maybe didn't know this will be like 'wait what, for real?!" If we relate to each other on any level about this, I consider this a win.

Now I've adopted a belief that arguing doesn't have to be a real thing. I can disagree with you and we don't have to argue. You can disagree with me and we don't have to argue. I believe there are so many more conversation-stops along the route towards arguing that can actually nip all the petty b/s and hurt feelings in the butt so you actually don't have to argue. Disagreements are one thing. Arguments are another. They create resentment if they aren't healed or dealt with. Finding ground to stand on + communicate openly & clearly will give you faith in the longevity of your relationship no doubt.

I'm a big hell yeah for healthy relationships and I never thought I would say that.

love always in all the ways,
xx
roz